The Ebb and Flow of Life

What a great post Andy. First of all, on your question about the search for balance ... I think that's what life is all about. It's a constant search for balance. I was thinking about this as I was running yesterday. I think life is meant to be a swinging pendulum, at least a little. Some of us swing wildly from one side of imbalance to another and some of us manage to hover about the center. And to me at least, it seems as if this follows with the laws of nature. Everything goes in cycles. Life and death, the ebb and flow of the tides, the changing of seasons, the orbit of the earth and other planets around the sun ... Life is a wild ride and you can either jump right in and tame it or you can hold on for dear life swinging wherever it takes you. How fast and how high your pendulum swings depends on so many things. What do you think it depends on? Do you think we have any control in this matter? I think one main contributing factor is your parents and your childhood with those parents. That's why I want so badly to give my kids a stable and love-filled childhood. What tools/skills were you raised with that you feel prepared you for your adult life? While it's true that we all become adults and make our own decisions, our childhood is what brings us to adulthood and therefore plays a major role in our adult decisions. And I think there are a lot of parents out there who don't fully realize the profound effect their actions and way of living have on their kids.

I could continue to veer way off topic here into a discussion on parenting styles but i'm too tired. This post isn't nearly as profound as what I had worked up in my head yesterday but it's late and i'm starting to doze off. I'll leave you with a quote I borrowed from an email I received today.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body. But rather, to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming .."WOW, WHAT A RIDE!'"'
Robert Fulghum

Balance Revisited

Let me begin this post by responding to your last. It's a good question and a classic question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The answer is simply nonexistent. Some will argue that the sin of man has brought such things into being and I think that there is some validity to that truth but the bottom line is that it sucks. It sucks to watch anyone, and especially a loved one, suffer with such a dire and devastating disease. But, as your personal blog noted, it's important to realize our frailty and to learn to enjoy and truly live in the moment, tasting and savoring the grace that is there.

Okay, now that I've had my little sermonette, I thought I'd throw out where my minds been as of late. It's nothing particularly groundbreaking but I can't help but continue to search for balance. I realize it's a lifelong search but it'd be nice to sometimes catch the pendulum in the middle, for just a few weeks or so. Whether the situation is money, work, family, friends, or the future, it seems incredibly difficult to find that point of harmony between all. Perhaps it's too much to ask. What do you think?

A Question for God ...

Cancer, why?

Tagging In...

Well, it seems I'm likely to follow suit with this posting as I really don't have much brain power to bring anything of value to the conversation at this moment either. I do hope that you're feeling better and that you're recovering okay. We are on the final leg of passing it around our little living arrangement here and it's been nothing but fun! But, alas, all good things must come to an end, thankfully!

I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts on these topics we've been discussing. I continue to have things cross my mind, think that they'd be compelling fodder for our discussions here, only to have them fall by the wayside when I actually have a moment to sit down and type. But, that's just life I suppose. I look forward to hearing back sooner than later!

My Busy Mind

Okay Andy, I can't give you much right now. My mind is absolutely exhausted from the past couple weeks of trying to figure out where my future lies. It's a long story that you can read about on my blog. Right now i've gotta get back to cleaning the house to prepare for my family that's coming to visit tonight. We're heading to the river in the morning so i've got some packing and some food prep and shopping to do. I didn't want to leave you hanging any longer. And even though there is no substance to this post, you can't say I didn't post anything! Hee hee.

Hope you have a great weekend. I plan on refreshing my mind with lots of sun and fun this weekend so we can get back to our regular programming next week. If you have time this weekend, maybe you can add some links and some suggested reading to the blog. Maybe even a description if you're feeling froggy. :)

Continued...

I thought of some other issues related to the topic at hand so I thought I'd dive back in here and share my thoughts. I'm still thinking about the Christian community's overall lack of concern in regards to issues like creation care and materialism. One thought that came to me today dealt with the polarization of issues, particularly within the past two hundred years. Prior to that time, the issues the Church was forced to deal with were fairly simple. Of course there was corruption and whatnot here and there, maybe a little more here the closer things got to the Reformation, but things took a drastic turn with the dawn of the Industrial Age.

Consider the things that happened during this time. Life became wicked busy and prosperity came as a result of these machines and their productivity. The output gave people hope of spreading the message of Christ in new and exciting ways, not unlike today with the advent and popularization of this very medium we're using for our conversation. Ultimately, all of these events gave rise to a level of knowledge and technology, fueled by a modern empirical mindset, that grew exponentially. This exponential growth resulted in a number of questions we never thought we'd have to face.

I hope a bunch of this makes sense because I think there's something in here. Prior to this time, there was no real question about the origin of man but a guy named Darwin wrote a little book that changed all of that. Issues such as abortion rose in prominence and throughout the twentieth century wars dominated the minds of Christians, causing them to ponder the idea of the Kingdom of God within a context that was rapidly changing. These issues seemed to push any idea of stewardship to the rear of their minds as other things pressed in on them. Was this right? Of course not. Is it somewhat understandable? Absolutely for we have been there as well.

Well, those are just some more rambling thoughts on that issue while they're fresh. I had another thought come to mind today that I'd like to pose to you though. What are your thoughts on the concepts of patriotism as it relates to your faith? Our store received some flags and such in today and it just spurred my mind to think a bit. I'm curious as to your thoughts on the issue...

School, Conservation, and Money

Hey, let me begin by encouraging you a bit in your decision to go back to school. First off, it's a super decision. It seems as though Brett is in your corner there so there's one hurdle down. Two, I can understand that you're a bit down about leaving the boys but consider that you've had a lot more time with them than a lot of moms and dads have had. It's not a justification or whatnot but as the old adage goes, "Count your blessings." Lastly, money. Yeah, it sucks and yeah, we need it, but I think we both know and can agree that money is not your motivation here. Learners are learners and to not learn is to simply not live. This is something that you need to do and not just for some "woo-hoo" job promotion. Therefore, money becomes something thats, well, a bit expendable. Plus, in all our talks of simplicity, isn't part of the idea to free up funds to use, not to mention help? Tah-dah! And, as for choosing a school, I understand your affinity for UF but remember to again be thankful to be going. Now, I apologize for sounding like an overbearing friend and will just promise to keep you in our thoughts and prayers as you start studying to get back into, ugh, math.

As far as the Christians/materialism/waste issue goes, yes, I agree with both of you. It's sort of a cliche question but one that Christ-followers must really ask which is (everybody remember those stinking bracelets?) "What would Jesus do?" Yet, the question is paramount to the discussion. Again, I suggest that most Christians, as you clarified, don't necessarily feel it's their right to waste and whatever but that they are operating off of a "modern" mindset.

The modern paradigm seemed to compartmentalize and to systematize things which detracted from any understanding of holism or the interplay of all the parts. Therefore, Christianity, and to a degree, rightly so, became about saving souls as efficiently as possible. Things like altar calls, revivals, and the like spread across the globe. Yet, lost in the evangelistic furor was the idea of living in the Kingdom of God now. With a growing prominence of that theological system, dispensationalism, which enabled some students of prophecy to start predicting the end of the world, things grew a bit weird. We weren't worried about the material because it was all going to be burned up anyway.

Anyway, I feel like there's more I should say but I'm running late. Keep your head up regarding school! It's gonna be okay!

Details

First let me say that Brett and I had a good conversation last Sunday morning about the disconnection Christians seem to have between living God's word and taking care of God's Earth. Brett brought up a good point about Jesus being more of a hippie type that accepted everyone versus being materialistic and wasteful. Kind of makes you wonder, ya know ... if Jesus showed up today ... would he drive a fancy car and have lots of stuff or would he be walking around in Birkenstocks with long hair driving an old beat up VW bus? He also wonders why said Christians seem to be the last to be aware of being wasteful. Do they feel entitled? If so, what is it that they feel entitled to? That is definitely in the eye of the beholder, so to speak. I doubt they see it as being entitled to be wasteful and to do harm to the planet and to create bigger problems for the next generation. Maybe they feel they deserve all the convenience items of today. I don't know. I do know that Brett and I are very aware of the issue and we try to conserve whenever we can. We feel guilty about the trash we do create and the excess fuel we consume but we try to do our part whenever we can. We both feel that if everyone could just be made aware then changes would happen little by little for the betterment (is that a word?) of our society and of our planet. All the little things we can do really do add up.

You bring up an interesting point about certain groups living as if the end times are near. There's a religious sect here in Lake City ... it's really a cult but they claim to be a religion ... that is planning for the end of times. I don't have the energy to go into that right now but I would encourage you to do some research into the End Timers and Meade Ministries in Lake City. I think we talked about this at Perkins that night. Not sure if you remembered to look it up or not. I have some serious issues with this cult. We'll get into that some other time.

As for school ... it's been a very emotional journey this past week. I've teetered between being super excited and gung-ho about it to saying forget about it I don't want to go. As it stands right now I have to go back to UF this fall for some post-bac work. More than I was thinking I would have to do but not as bad as it could be. I really thought it would be farther off than two months from now. I'm having serious issues with having to leave the boys. Even though it won't be that many hours each week, I really thought I would be home with them until they started school. As for Grad school ... that's still up in the air due to my undergrad GPA. I really want to go to UF but it looks like I might have to go to UNF. It's a long story that i'm too tired to explain right now but at least i'm taking steps in the right direction.

As it stands now, the mathematics graduate advisor at UF is going to let me into the program as a post-bac student so I can take the undergrad mathematics courses i'm missing so that I can get into grad school somewhere. Apparently they have such a large applicant pool to choose from that they don't ever have to make exceptions for the GPA rule. They'll do it for the GRE scores but not for GPA. (And my GPA isn't even that bad. I have a 2.7 instead of the 3.0 they require.) Wish it was the other way around because my GRE score rocked the house. UNF will allow your GRE score to stand above your GPA which is why I have a much better chance of getting in there. The grad advisor at UF that i've been talking with this week said I could probably get in there right away. I still have some post-bac work to do though and I would prefer to do that in Gainesville. It's a shorter drive and I have several friends there so hopefully can find someone to watch the boys while i'm in class a couple hours at a time three days a week. Still a lot of things to figure out but we're getting there.

I'm also in the process of talking with the community college here in Lake City about teaching there on an adjunct basis until I finish school. It would give me great teaching experience and a little bit of money which is badly needed right now. My engineering work has pretty much gone to nothing over the past couple of months which has been the catalyst to this whole going back to school situation. Nothing like being broke to make you get your butt moving, huh? :) I really wish I could stay home with the boys but we have to eat, ya know? At first, the thought of leaving them brought tears to my eyes. It's getting a little better now. I'm just trying to live in the moment and truly appreciate every last day I have with them. To look on the bright side of things, it is definitely making me appreciate every minute I have with them.

So this fall i'll have to take Advanced Calculus and Numbers & Polynomials. In the spring it will be Advanced Calculus 2 and Abstract Algebra. In the summer it will be Linear Algebra. That should leave me prepared to start grad school the very next semester which would be fall of 2008. We're thinking of buying a little Honda for me to travel back and forth to Jacksonville with once we get to that point. Then Brett could drive the Pathfinder. I wish we could buy him a newer truck. He really deserves it. He works his butt off and drives a 13 year old truck with a/c that only works when it wants to. But here we go a few more steps backwards in the money department for a while so that's not going to happen. I certainly hope things turn around after this. That is the ultimate goal with me going back to school. A job that fits my personality, which teaching at the CC level definitely would be, and a steady income that we can count on .... which is a great thing when you are trying to raise a family. We've been working backwards since we moved here in 2003 and we're both just about fed up with it. Still not sure how we're going to afford my post-bac work but i'm determined to figure it out. The thought of more student loans makes me cringe but that may just be the way it has to be.

Great things usually come out of adversity. We're survivors. We've been through a lot and we've always come out of things just fine. The next three years are going to be a bit of a challenge but we've got lots of family around that should be able to support us emotionally and with the kids if we need it. And even though i'll have to leave the boys, i'm looking forward to spending some more time in Gainesville. As we said before, going back to school at this age and point in life brings a completely different perspective. I just hope that i'm successful. This is a major personal challenge for me. Can I go back after all these years and pick up where I left off? Can I get the A's that I think I can this time around? I guess only time will tell. And until that time comes, i'll be studying my butt of going through all of my college math books. Sure glad I kept those things around. :)

So Cool..

Hey, I'm so excited for you. That will be so great for you. It's funny how we get some consumed with why we "can't" that we sometimes don't take the time to look around and realize that those things that once held us up are no longer there. No matter what, though, I know you'll do great, even if it is math. Where are you going to go to school? Do you have that figured out yet? I'm just excited...


To continue with the conversation though, I'll begin by saying that I really don't know why Christians seem to be the last to come around to the side of conservation, ecology, and the like. And the materialism issue is another deal all in itself. Part of it seems to stem, and pardon me if this is a repeat of something we've discussed before, from a Left Behind sort of mentality. Just over 200 years or so ago a system of theology known as dispensationalism became popular and took root in Christian circles. This system tends to invoke that whole way of thinking that the end is near. Within this, it seems as though Christians have lost sight of a good portion of the Bible. That's one such instance that I can think of for the lack of Christian activism for these issues. Another to consider is the "prosperity gospel" teaching popularized within some Charismatic circles over the past several years. This emphasis upon health-and-wealth and finances in particular has placed an unhealthy focus upon our money as a sole blessing. On top of that, it misses the biblical teaching regarding blessings as well but that's a story for another day.

But, that's at least something. Forgive me if this is a bit disjointed, I started this morning and am just finishing now. But, I'm curious to hear your comments on the issue!

Big News!

You bring up a good point, Andy, and it's one that has always confused me. Please excuse the stereotyping here as it's for illustrative purposes and I know not everyone fits this ... but why is it that the Christians of this world seem to be the least likely to be recylcers and organitarians and the like? And why do they also seem to be some of the most materialistic? This, to me, seems counter intuitive. It is one of those things that will always leave me a bit dumbfounded. I would like to continue on this subject in a later post so please, remind me if I don't. I am also interested in the book you mentioned on the subject. Very intriguing. But for now my mind is consumed with something else.

Let's get back to the search for knowledge thing. I'm with you on this one. The older I get, the more I appreciate the ability to go to school and learn something new. I guess older really does bring wiser, at least in some areas. When I think about going back to school I have this overwhelming urge to go back and do it better than I did before. Does that make any sense? Sure I graduated and got a job and all that but if I could go back there to my college days with the same focus and passion that I have found now ... oh the things I could do! If I could just get one more shot at it ... I just know I could do great things. I know my grades would be better. I know I wouldn't procrastinate as much. I know I would study more. I know I would have the focus I always wished i'd had back then. At least I think I know all these things. Or do I? Is it just because it's something that I want to do that I feel I can't? Can I really do it? Am I just looking for a new challenge? Am I just missing my college days? These are the questions i've been toying with in my mind off and on again over the last three years and I think I finally know the answers. I know what i'm supposed to do.

I've done a lot of soul searching these past couple of months. My work-from-home gig dropped off a bit and really got me in a bit of a panic mode. Thankfully the business is back but it really gave me a bit of a scare. I've always worried what we would do if the work stopped coming my way but it's been so steady for three years now that I've allowed myself to get comfortable. Possibly a little too comfortable. Well this month of no work that I went through really got me thinking. And not just about what to do now but about what I want to do when the kids are in school. You see, the firm I do contract work for is the same firm my husband works for. Talk about having all your eggs in one basket.

I feel I've reached another turning point in life. Like when I graduated college, or when I gave up my career to move to Lake City, or when I gave up teaching to be a stay-at-home mom ... true turning points that lead to a very different daily life. And here I go again. I feel the need to take my eggs out of that basket I mentioned. Brett and I have talked it over and as long as all the details work out ... I'M GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! :-) And i'm super excited about it. The last time I thought seriously about this I was pregnant with Houston and there were several details that we just couldn't seem to work out. We've realized in talking about this over the past couple of days that those obstacles no longer exist. The path to grad school is finally clear. I know you think i'm crazy with the math thing but there's something to be said for following your natural talents. And as crazy as this may sound ... math seems to be my natural talent. It has followed me through every phase my life has gone through and I feel it will end in me having a job that fits me perfectly while allowing me freedom of schedule and lots of vacation time ... which means more time with my boys than a regular 8 to 5 would allow.

I still have a lot of things to think through and details to figure out so nothing is set in stone yet. I'm looking to start with the summer or fall 2008 semester so I still have a year with the boys and I plan to make the most of it. Leaving them will be the hardest part but the timing will work such that it will allow us to send them to private school, which is extremely important to me. If it all works out i'll graduate just before Houston starts kindergarten. It will be a tough two years but I know it will be worth it in the end.

I wish I had a humdinger of a question to leave you with but I don't. My mind is full of admission essays, recommendation letters, course schedules, assistanceships and the like.

Juices, Expressions, and Saving the World

Okay, let's just state this first thing: I love you very much. You're probably the closest and oldest friend that I have these days. With that being said though, math!? I know you're a little cuckoo sometimes but math?! But, alas, my love does not waver and I will support you in all endeavors!

Anyway, joking aside, yeah. There is something about that whole process of learning that is just redeeming in itself. It's not necessarily that I have huge goals of increased salaries and big-time career advancement, nor do you I believe, but the challenge and fun of learning never ceases to amaze me. There was a time that this would not have been true but the older I get, perhaps I have grown a bit wiser. And that wisdom leads me to a place where I long to learn, to grow, and to study. Yet, I do wish to study that which I wish to study.

Which leads me to your stated desire to pursue something that will allow you to explore and utilize your creative juices and expressions. Right on, sister! That's my heart too. While I acknowledge the need for said finances, I also acknowledge the inherent need within myself to create and to explore. This becomes increasingly more interesting as I consider my future in avenues of ministry and religion as well for those are halls wherein creativity is not always a perceived positive. Yet, I think that somewhere in there I'll find a place that works. And, regardless of what my "job" or "career" is, I'll continue to be a part of creating things, even if it's just for creativity's sake.

Just as a quick aside, let us acknowledge that this discussion of our desire to not work for "The Man" or to pursue avenues of artistic creativity does sound a bit haughty and self-obsessed. Yet, let us also acknowledge that this is a conversation between old friends talking about life and all things in between and we hope that you can appreciate that. Now, back to our regular programming...

To finish up here for tonight, I wanted to recommend a book to you that I mentioned in my last post, Serve God Save the Planet. I finally finished this up just the other day and found it to be a compelling and powerful read. It's a sad but true statement that Christians are not always known for their keen interest in the environment, nor for their removal from the "American Dream" capital-based mentality, yet Dr. Sleeth offers up hope for those who feel led to choose a different way. In fact, Sleeth offers up a manifesto of sorts that convincingly makes a case for a faith that encompasses not only issues of the spirit, but of this world as well. It's hard to explain in but a few words but using a solid base of Scripture and personal experience drawn from his time as a highly respected ER surgeon, Sleeth makes you think. For those of us who are feeling drawn to think of our Christianity in ways that include but grow beyond previous norms, this is just what the doctor ordered. I highly recommend this...

Just a last thought...We've been in agreement too much here now that we're back. Let's try and come up with some questions to make each other think!

We're Not Lazy

You're right on there Andy ... not wanting to work for the man has nothing to do with being lazy. For me, it's about being the best and doing the best. And I feel that I can do that if I have control over what it is that i'm doing. Sure, I can be good at what someone else wants me to do. And call this ADD, procrastination or whatever you want to, but I have a hard time giving my complete focus to something and putting my all into it if it's not something my heart is completely into. And since I worry myself and feel inadequate over not being the best at something, I end up feeling stressed. Silly? Probably so, but it's me. One thing i've learned about myself is that it's best to do something i'm interested in, something that I have a passion for, rather than something that just pays well. Because I will inevitably sabotage myself. I want to have control over my artistic expression and creative juices. Know what I mean? And most of all ... I want to do something that involves said expression and juices! :-)

Now about the college thing ... I would just about give my left arm to go back to college and get a masters degree in math. Math has always been my thing. I love it. (I know, I know ... i'm strange ... i get that a lot) I took graduate level partial differential equations during my last semester of college just to fill up my schedule. I could have taken some easy cheesy pass/fail class but I wanted to continue on in math. I had a math class every semester of college before that so it just didn't feel right to not have one. Then when we moved here to Lake City, I taught math at the high school. Now, I tutor precalc and calculus students. And once in a while I pull out my old calculus books and work out some problems. Just because.

If I got my masters in math I could teach full time at one of the community colleges around here. And let me just tell you ... I would absolutely LOVE to do that! A variable schedule broken up by semesters, no 8 to 5. That would leave more flexibility for school field trips and soccer practice and t-ball games. THAT would be awesome. But for now, I will stay home and take care of my kiddos. Maybe some money will fall out of the sky and we'll be able to afford for me to go back to school. One thing I have going for me is all of my great mom friends in Gainesville. I know I could find some great childcare for the kids. And I would be happy to pay a good friend with values similar to mine (crunchy mamas) so my kids could play with thier friends. And to get another degree from UF ... well that would just be awesome.

Congrats on the simplifying thing. I've been doing a bit of that around here as well. We're also hunkering down trying to pay off some debt so that we can live better. And let me tell ya, that's not an easy thing to do. Every time we turn around there's some new expense we weren't planning on. And we don't go off on big vacations or even go out to dinner. Actually, I can't remember the last time I went out to dinner. The world we live in is so consumed with debt. We are all about "stuff". We want it all and we want it now and if you decide not to live like that, as we have, then you are looked at like you're being cheap. I could go on with this topic for a while and get all fired up but i'm having a good morning so I think i'll leave this one here. I will say one more thing though, anyone looking to "live like no one else, so that later you can live like no one else" as Dave Ramsey says ... I would highly recommend his books/cds/videos etc. Check it out at www.daveramsey.com. Good stuff man, good stuff.

So yep, i'm right there with ya Andy. No wonder we've been such great friends for so long. Great minds really do think alike, huh?